On March 16th 2018, just over a month after my brother passed, I wrote the following in my journal:
“A lot has happened since Monday.
Last night, throughout my rough sleep, I had a dream I was driving with Ben. Ben was driving, I was in the passengers seat.
Though there was so much I felt I needed to say, I couldn’t find any words. I didn’t know what to say. I simply put my hand on his shoulder. He replied by looking at me. He smiled and said,
“thanks for always listening to me”.
I woke up feeling a little weirded out. The fact that he’s gone but he was just sitting beside me with his hand on my shoulder.
…
I realized that I can take that dream how I want to perceive it.
I can believe that it’s Ben sending a message to me, trying to ease my uncertainties of “did I do/say enough?”. It’s possible. But I’m not convinced.
OR I can take it as a confirmation to myself. That I really do believe I did all that I could (as a human that isn’t perfect).
I know I will be fine. I know this because I have the power to choose. “
Now, almost 2 and a half years later, I am reflecting on this particular dream…
Firstly, can I just say how proud of myself I am?! Just another reminder of the importance of reflecting on where you were a year ago, two years ago, etc.
Secondly, there’s something I didn’t note in my journal but I remember thinking. I remember taking note how BEN was in the DRIVER’S seat in my dream. On the one hand it makes sense. He’s the older brother and I have many memories of him driving us around, or him picking me up. Sure, that makes sense. But it doesn’t hurt to think about this in a more critical way.
Throughout Ben’s sickness, I often felt a certain helplessness. I would bend over backwards trying to help, make myself available, clear my schedule, constantly trying to be the best sister I could be, all while questioning whether was I was doing would ever really be enough. He was physically sick, emotionally unavailable, and we were losing time. This ruined me. It is exhausting searching for confirmation when the person in the driver’s seat is unresponsive. Ben was in the driver’s seat, and I was in the passenger’s seat, crying, screaming, begging for love.
This realization made a huge difference in my grieving process. It doesn’t make it easy by any means, but it allowed me to gain control when I felt everything and everyone was spiraling.
I know this is heavy, but I felt the need to share. Reflecting on this experience has me thinking about who or what might be driving my emotions lately. Perhaps you can look at who or what may be in your driver’s seat?